Fuck You Ohio and Damn Your Business District

I would like to take this opportunity (I just realized it's 3am and I'm stil awake, wtf?) to extend a big "fuck you" to Columbus, Ohio State, and High Street in particular. My plans for this lovely 3-day weekend revolved around ME going to a nightclub on either Highstreet or Longstreet with my closest of chums, and sleazing around for the night, with the possibility of meeting intoxicated 23-28 year olds. Sounds grand right?

Wrong

First let me give a little background. My dad is an OSU alumni of '74, and I was actually going to attend OSU until I found Denison. That having been said, I had already been to the campus about 4 times and can navigate High Street, well, competantly I suppose. Thinking I knew what I was supposed to do, I made it my business to call Hitesh and Aldo for a boys night out in the good ol' city of Columbus. Sounds easy?....
Let's watch!

SATURDAY:
7:00pm - Call Hitesh and make plans to leave campus for night of debauchery by 9:30. Go off and spend several minutes getting sexy.
8-9pm - Eating. Can't be sinful on an empty stomach
9:15pm - Drive over to pick up Hitesh
9:30pm - Hitesh finally exits his dorm
9:32pm - Am informed that apparently I'm taking Sunshine and Nikhar to the club as well. Fine. Whatever. Me no care. Drive to Sunset
9:35pm - Leave Hitesh in Sunset with Sunshine, who is nowhere near ready to go, and make quick trip to fill up gastank at BP. Gas remains ludicrously expensive.
9:50pm - Return to find situation at Sunset has not changed. Wait patiently while couples continue to dress slowly/get drunk/make out. Play several dozen games of solitaire. Lose all of them.
10:30pm - Am informed that Nikhar doesn't want to go anymore because she has made other plans. Aldo immediately folds and decides not to go. Patrick's fuse beings to burn.
10:45pm - Spend several minutes discussing if we will actually go tonight. Sunshine begins bitching that she has nothing to wear. Patrick commands her to throw on some capris and slutty tanktop so we can leave. Dirty stares ensue.
11:00pm - Patrick informs all that he is leaving and anyone that seriously wants to go have fun can get in the car now and that he has been illegally parked for a dangerous ammount of time.
11:15pm - Couples decided they don't want to go
11:20pm - Patrick parks his car angrily. Attempts to hit a rather passive squirrel. Misses.
11:40pm - 1:30am - Hanging in Preston 3rd with Emily H. Bitch about how people suck for a while. Emily gets tired. Patrick leaves offensive facebook comments while she is unaware. Gives a relaxing back massage.
1:45am - Walk back to Smith. Upon return to quad, am invited up to Shorney 2nd to "watch a shit-load of porn". Patrick immediately accepts. Spend several minutes discussing with Meagan whether "reverse cowgirl is awesome, or do you like regular cowgirl better?". Recall having my crotch gropped a couple times.
2:30am - Pass out in 109

Needless to say I was upset by all this, and I vowed that tomorrow we would rectify the immense ammount of bullshit I had to endure by my selfish friends. So then we came to...

SUNDAY:

6pm - Call Hitesh, Aldo, and Hutie. It's on. Leaving by 9:30. No excuses.
9pm - Pick up Hitesh. Aldo and Hutie are not coming. I should have just stopped right here.
9:45pm - Finally pull out of campus and head for 70 West. Lots of happy bouncing around in carseats. Speakers pushed to insane levels. Camera phones are used. Happiness ensues.
10:30pm - Pull onto High Street and instantly become lost. Spend the next 25 minutes trying to find the club and a parking space. Finally park behind a Wendy's and ask drunken OSU student where it is. Pouints us in the right direction before urinating behind dumpter. Charming. It is starting to rain hard and all I have on is 2 tshirts and jeans. Not a happy camper.
11:04 - Finally find club. All the lights are off. No line. Silent. Fuck. Bare arms are beginning to numb. Want to kick something.
11:15 - 12:30 - Spend the next 75 minutes crusing around downtown Columbus looking for Longstreet, which we eventually find and go the WRONG way on. Almost get arrested for breaking several road safety laws. Severe rain is upon us. All the night has gone to shit. Decide that we were destined to fail from the start. Put on some hardcore rap to make us feel slightly better about ourselves. Patrick sings along because he knows all the words.
1:10 - Return to campus and spend the rest of the night in Shorney helping the 232 girls clean their room. Flirt shamelessly with Meagan. Slightly promising results. Night still sucks.
3am - now - Bitchfest

So it seems I am forever destined to fail at pretty much everything. This doesn't bother me at all, because I know that when I rule the world, Columbus is the first city that I'm going to demolish and replace with... I dunno.... a giant.... parking structure I guess.... yeah.....